Traumatizing kids since the 80s: A Dark Fantasy 3-Way
The 1980s were a golden age of dark fantasy films for children. Everyone has their favorite, but we’ve selected three diverse classics for this Versus: an epic tale of good against evil from the mind of Jim Henson, a re-imagining of the Wizard of Oz, and an adaptation of a beloved children’s book. The combatants are:
The Dark Crystal
Return to Oz
The Neverending Story
Do you still cry over Artax, or have nightmares about Mombi or the Skeksis? Follow the Yellow Brick Road through the Swamps of Sadness until you reach the valley of the urRu, and let’s talk about movies!
NATHAN’S GOLDEN IDOLS
Best Location: NES School Attic
Best Character: TIE NES & Oz Gmork & Princess Mombi
Best Kill/Death/Defeat: NES Artax sinks beneath the Swamps of Sadness
Score or Soundtrack: DC Trevor Jones
Best Screenplay: DC Jim Henson & David Odell
Best Special Achievement: TIE DC & Oz Practical Effects & Puppets
Best Scene: Oz Dorothy preparing for electro-shock
Defining Moment/Attribute/MVP: NES Sphinx Titties
Best Director: DC Jim Henson & Frank Oz
Wildcard: DC The Skeksis Award
WTF: NES He names her Moon Child
Worst Picture: The NeverEnding Story
Best Picture: The Dark Crystal
Total after deductions:
The NeverEnding Story: 3
Return to Oz: 3
The Dark Crystal: 6
KYLE’S GOLDEN IDOLS
Best Location: NES Fantasia
Best Character: NES Atreyu
Best Kill/Death/Defeat: DC The emperor’s death
Score or Soundtrack: DC Trevor Jones
Best Screenplay: NES Wolfgang Petersen & Herman Weigel
Best Special Achievement: TIE NES & Oz Practical Effects & Makeup
Best Scene: NES Rockbiter Strong Hands
Defining Moment/Attribute/MVP: NES Alan Oppenheimer
Best Director: NES Wolfgang Petersen
Wildcard: TIE NES & DC The Scariest Shit Award (G'mork) & Smooth Gelfling Faces Award
WTF: Deep Roy is in all of these
Worst Picture: Return to Oz
Best Picture: The NeverEnding Story
Total after deductions:
The NeverEnding Story: 9
Return to Oz: 0
The Dark Crystal: 3
RACHAEL’S GOLDEN IDOLS
Best Location: NES School Attic
Best Character: DC Aughra
Best Kill/Death/Defeat: Oz Dr. Worley burning to death & Nurse Wilson being arrested
Score or Soundtrack: DC Trevor Jones
Best Screenplay: Oz Walter Murch & Gill Dennis
Best Special Achievement: DC World-building & Puppetry
Best Scene: DC The death of the Master of the Mystics & Emperor
Defining Moment/Attribute/MVP: NES Bastian choosing not to go do his math test, instead locking himself in the attic of the school and reading books. It’s a defining moment for all fantasy-loving kids.
Best Director: DC Jim Henson & Frank Oz
Wildcard: TIE DC, NES & Oz Best Villians Award
WTF: NES Moon Child?
Worst Picture: The NeverEnding Story
Best Picture: The Dark Crystal
Total after deductions:
The NeverEnding Story: 2
Return to Oz: 3
The Dark Crystal: 7
JEREMY’S GOLDEN IDOLS
Best Location: Oz Princess Mombi’s room of heads
Best Character: NES Atreyu.
Best Kill/Death/Defeat: DC The emperor’s death
Score or Soundtrack: NES The theme song is a banger! Music by Klaus Doldinger & Giorgio Moroder
Best Screenplay: NES Wolfgang Petersen & Herman Weigel
Best Special Achievement: DC The puppetry is just so good in this film. I honestly think it might be the best from the Jim Henson company and that is a high bar
Best Scene: NES Artax in the Swamps of Sadness
Defining Moment/Attribute/MVP: NES Atreyu passes the Sphynx Gate
Best Director: DC Jim Henson & Frank Oz
Wildcard: OZ The Dorothy Award
WTF: Oz The tagline for this movie: “Filled with Disney adventure and magic.”
Worst Picture: Return to Oz
Best Picture: The NeverEnding Story
Total after deductions:
The NeverEnding Story: 8
Return to Oz: 1
The Dark Crystal: 3